Coming Out Step-by-Step

Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality (see Kinsey Scale) and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ.

Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving you? Will you ever get married or have children? Will you be discriminated against or made fun of? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is why many reference coming out as being reborn. This is an opportunity for you to look introspectively and re-evaluate who you are and who you want to be.

Next step below...

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Gay Wedding Planner

It takes just as much time to plan a commitment ceremony as it does a wedding, but for gay and lesbian couples there are a few important details to consider. Below is a guide to planning gay and lesbian commitment ceremonies, including a stage-by-stage calendar.

How To Plan a Commitment Ceremony

Time Needed:

A typical commitment ceremony can take between 10-12 months to plan.

Commitment Ceremony Calendar

Follow the commitment ceremony calendar for a stage-by-stage timeline and guide to the essentials of a successful commitment ceremony.

10-12 Months Before
6-10 Months Before
4-6 Months Before
2-4 Months Before
2-8 Weeks Before
1-2 Weeks Before
1 Day Before
Ceremony Day

Things to Consider:
Type of Ceremony

Depending on the state and country of residence, gay couples may have the option of planning a full marriage, civil union, domestic partnership, or commitment ceremony. You may also want to decide if you and your partner desire a religious or non-religious ceremony.

Itinerary

A typical ceremony and reception will take at least 5 hours, not including pictures taken in between the ceremony and reception. Take ample time to discuss your ceremony plans with your partner. Keep a notebook for important information and develop an itinerary of the ceremony day. Share this itinerary with the reception hall, DJ or band, officiate, venue and other people key to the success of the ceremony.

Budget

Take time to carefully plan the budget for your ceremony. Take into account the number of guests, the venue, entertainment, photography, rings, tuxedo rentals, etc. An easy way to plan a commitment ceremony budget is to allot a certain amount for each major area of the ceremony. Here is a simple break down: 50% Reception10% Flowers10% Music10% Photography10% Tuxedo or Dress Rental5% Invitations5% Miscellaneous
Wedding Vows

Individually write your vows. Vows can be as personal or standard depending on your preference.

Location & Venue

Of course, the location of your ceremony should be a special place for both you and your partner; however, consider choosing a central location for all of your guests. Also, make sure the venue of choice is gay-friendly. Call ahead to make sure the venue you choose is comfortable hosting a same-sex ceremony. In addition, make sure you are comfortable in the venue of choice. Gay Friendly Inns is a great place to start. Some couples also choose to have their ceremony performed at gay pride. Often there will be officiants on hand to perform group commitment ceremonies. View the gay pride calendar.

Find a Church

Call a gay-friendly church and ask if they are willing to perform a gay commitment ceremonies. If they refuse, don't get discouraged. There are many others that will..

Number of Guests

Some couples choose to have small intimate ceremonies, while others have large events. Invite the number of guests that make you and your partner comfortable. Remember that the cost of the ceremony can rise depending on how many guests you invite.

Invitations

You can purchase wedding invitations at your local stationary store or online. Choose invitations to your taste. If money is a concern, try a little creativity and create your own special cards or host an announcement shower at a friend's place.

Reception Halls & Caterers

Decide if you'd like a reception at a private home, a public hall or non at all. If considering a public venue, call the reception hall and book it at least 10-12 months in advance. Be prepared to tell the event planner your desired booking date and time, how many guests you are expecting and what cuisine you'd like served (if they cater as well). Some places offer full packages (ceremony venue, reception, caterer, music and photographer).

DJ/Band and Photographer

The DJ can sometimes be a sore spot when it comes to wedding and commitment ceremonies. Choose a DJ with experience. Select a play list that tailors to both your tastes and the palate of your guests. Decide on a photographer with experience and be clear about what you expect. It helps to choose a DJ and photographer that is comfortable in a gay atmosphere. Word of mouth recommendations are always best.

Limousine Services

Think about how you will arrive at the ceremony and to the reception. Check your local listings for a limousine company or for the cost conscious, solicit a friend with a really nice car to chauffeur you around for the day.

Other Things to Consider! >>>

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Kevin McDaid

Born:

March 7, 1984 in Nigeria
Raised in Newcastle, United Kingdom

Kevin McDaid and V:

In 2003, Kevin McDaid joined the British boy band V. The groups popularity increased in 2004 with the release of three hits. However, the group disbanded a year after their first single was released due to meager record sales. Gay Kevin McDaid:

McDaid announced his relationship with Westlife member Mark Feehily in the August 2005 edition of the The Sun newspaper.

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When Your Partner Won't Bottom

Dear Mona,

Sexually, I am the bottom in my relationship. My boyfriend refuses to top for me.

Even though he is only a year older, he has more sexual experience and has dated many more guys than I have. I feel as if he is not letting me experience new things. I've told him how I feel many of times and nothing has happened. Do you think I need more experience to be happy in this relationship? Should I be more aggressive or should I cheat on him to get what I want?

Dear Unplugged,

Your boyfriend's sexual history shouldn't be a reason to deny yourself pleasure. Experience in the bedroom doesn't always make someone a leading authority on anal versatility. I know of men that can put your boyfriend's scorecard to shame and still get complaints in the sack.

In gay relationships, we have the tendency to create dominant and passive roles. Sometimes, this happens naturally (as it should), but often dominance in the relationship is a result of one person's discomfort, lack of openness (no pun intended) or resistance to change. A true loving relationship is one of shared dominance. One may prefer a role, but is open to switching once in a while.

We gay men have the advantage of being both the plug and the socket, but many of us have created so many rules to the game that we miss out on tons of enjoyment. Some say they can only bottom for a big and burly sexual partner; others claim their partner's penis size dictates their role. Still some have the misperception that the recipient of anal sex is the weaker one. There are many, however, that approach anal sex strictly on the level of comfort and pleasure as it should be evaluated.

There should be no forced entry in a gay relationship. You shouldn't have to change who you are naturally to get what you want. There are reasons you may never discover as to why your guy won't drop 'em for you. If you've exhausted all opportunities and anal sex is a big enough issue to prompt you to look outside the relationship for sex, then maybe it's time to consider your options. Cheating is never the answer, but finding the right relationship is. You have every right to want to flip the script in the bedroom. A true loving partner would understand your needs and at least give it a try (or explain the reasons why they prefer not too).

Instead of spending the energy convincing him to take your lovin', attract the ideal man that is willing to share this part of you. The only catch is, this attraction has to start from within.

Get a piece of paper or journal and draw out your ideal man. List your dream man's qualities. Jot down as many detailed traits as you can. This is your private list so it can be as serious or silly as you want it to be. Then go after this ideal guy. Compare your present guy to this list. Don't focus on their lack, but notice how you've compromised. No person is perfect and the one you ultimately shag may not get a perfect score, but they should get darn close. Keep your list private and use it as your guide to happiness. Only you can determine which qualities you are willing to compromise on and which you are not.

Yours in love,
Mona

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Hate Crime Statistics

A coal fired power plant in Laramie, Wyoming, the town where hate crimes victim Matthew Shepard was kidnapped and brutally beaten in 1998.

© GettyThe following are the number of hate crimes motivated by sexual orientation bias as reported by the Federal Bureau of Investigation under The Hate Crimes Statistics Act of 1990:

2008: 1,617 ate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 58.6 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual bias.25.7 percent were reported as anti-homosexual bias.12.0 percent were prompted by an anti-female homosexual bias.2.0 percent were the result of an anti-heterosexual bias.1.7 percent were classified as anti-bisexual bias.2007: 1,460 hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 59.2 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual bias.24.8 percent were reported as anti-homosexual bias.12.6 percent were prompted by an anti-female homosexual bias.1.8 percent were the result of an anti-heterosexual bias.1.6 percent were classified as anti-bisexual bias.2006: 1,415 hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 62.3 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual biased.20.7 percent were classified as anti-homosexual biased.13.6 percent were classified as anti-female homosexual biased.2.0 percent were classified as anti-heterosexual biased.1.5 percent were classified as anti-bisexual biased.2005: 1,171 hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 60.9 percent were anti-male homosexual.19.5 percent were anti-homosexual.15.4 percent were anti-female homosexual.2.0 percent were anti-heterosexual.2.3 percent were anti-bisexual.For more federal hate crime statistics, visit the FBI's Overview of Hate Crime Statistics.

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Chris Kanyon

Chris Kanyon (aka Christopher Klucsaritis, born January 4, 1970) was a WCW and WWF pro-wrestling superstar.

He made his WCW debut as part of the construction worker tag team "Men at Work" with Mark Starr. However, the partnership ended in 1997 and Kenyon began wrestling under the name "Mortis" and several other aliases. Kenyon dueled as a solo wrestler and as a part of teams before his contract was released in 2004. Kenyon alleged his career was ended by wrestling officials because he was gay.

Death
On April 2, 2010, Kanyon was found dead in his Sunnyside, Queens, New York apartment. Kenyon's death was ruled a suicide by overdose of medication.

"I last saw Chris at Wrestlemania in 2004. I may have seen him once since then. He looked good, but talked about packing it in, calling it a career. I never knew of his struggles; the bipolar disorder, the pressure of keeping his sexuality secret for so many years," pro-wrestler Mick Foley wrote on his MySpace.

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Gay Quotes

Hearing or seeing the word "gay" or "queer" in magazines, on TV or the radio was unheard of not too long ago. But now with gay rights in the spotlight and more gay celebrities taking the mic, you hear and see comments about glbtq people all the time.

Here's a list of some of the most notable gay quotes from famous people, politician, commentators and just everyday folks.

"Gay and lesbian people fall in love. We settle down. We commit our lives to one another. We raise our children. We protect them. We try to be good citizens."
California Sen. Sheila Kuehl, D-Santa Monica (after the California Senate approved gay marriage bill AB849)

"Not just hip-hop, but America just discriminates. And I wanna just, to come on TV and just tell my rappers, just tell my friends, `Yo, stop it.'"
Hip Hop Artist Kanye West (during an MTV special)

"We are not the first but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentleman, by two unstopable forces: freedom and equality"
Jose Luis Rodrigueaz, Prime Minister of Spain (in a speech given after Spain legalized gay marriage)

"The reluctance to osculate has to do with affection- the idea that we'll blow someone because we desire him, but kiss him because we like him."
Simon Sheppard, author of "Sex Parties 101," "Kinkorama," and "In Deep: Erotic Stories."

"I invented the spin."
Linda Carter (in an OUT Magazine interview)

"I think everybody in their career needs to play a lesbian once- even if you're a man!"
Kristin Chenoweth (in an OUT Magazine interview)

"The reason you're going to make a great fag is that most of you guys are just like dogs anyway. … You do whatever with whomever pleases you and don't seem to care about the consequences."
Author Terry McMillan (in an alleged letter to her gay husband)

"That was Lola with 'No Strings' or should I say the Gay.com theme song?"
DJ and Dance Music Guide, Ron Slomowicz (describing a song he played during a DJ set)

"Is a gay play a play that has sex with other plays?"
Harvey Fierstein

"Anytime I can support the gay community in whichever way I can, I want to really show up big."
Alanis Morissette (explaining why she changed the lyrics of "Ironic" to be more gay inclusive)

"There is a tendency in the gay community to become worse than straight people ever could be!"
Michael Lucas (in an HX interview about filming his gay adult movie Dangerous Liaisons)

Do you have a quote you'd like to add? Write me with the excerpt and source of your gay quote!

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Emile Griffith

Emile Griffith (born February 3, 1938) was destined to become a boxing icon until his collision with Benny "the Kid" Paret on March 24, 1962. The wreck was thought to be a clean match-up. Instead it faired more like a SUV-compact head on. This time, however, it wasn't size that made the difference; it was the Rockylike circumstances.

Griffith had "the Kid" against the ropes revving away, when unbeknown to Griffith (or the judge), an impact spun the Kid into 360 degrees of unconsciousness. Griffith continued to power his guns with a multi-punch combination. Paret never regained consciousness and died 9 days later.

Griffith went on to win several more bouts, but it's said that he never recovered from the death of Paret. Decades later, Sports Illustrated found an angle that might have explained the fatal drag race. In 2005, the macho rag reported that Griffith's uncharacteristic hitspree was instigated by an anti-gay slur the Kid had slung towards him before the match. Apparently, Paret called Griffith a maricón (Spanish for the F-word). There was continued speculation over Griffith's sexuality— a kernel that loosely grew into more solid proof after Griffith was badly beaten on a New York City street, allegedly after leaving a gay bar.

Did Paret's F-slinging cost him his life? Is Emile Griffith gay? Sadly, the boxing hall-of-famer suffers from pugilistic dementia, an Alzheimer-esque condition that, as Sports Illustrated reported, makes him sometimes identify as gay, sometimes straight and at times bisexual.

Emile Griffith was the first boxer from the U.S. Virgin Islands ever to become a world champion. He was named Ring Magazine Fighter of the Year in 1964 and was inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame in its initial year (1990) and the World Boxing Hall of Fame. Boxing fans remember him as one of the greats, but a steam cloud of speculation over his sexuality and his fatal-famous fight with Benny Paret will forever loom over the legend of his career.

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Sex Without a Condom

Dear Mona Lisa,

I recently met a guy online this past June. We chatted often, exchanged many pictures, and even agreed to run background checks on each other for our own comfort. Now, after 5 months, we've told each other that we love each other! We haven't met in person yet, but he's flying me down to see him for a few weeks in December. Since this will be our first sexual experience together, and with me being a virgin, I'm a little concerned!

I love him to no end, and know already I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He says he's been tested for any STD's including HIV and is clean. He also told me he'd like to try sex without a condom, since he's clean and I am too. Anyways, is this something I should do? Should I carefully ask to see test results? Or should I request that a condom be used? Please help!!

Thanks, Tommy

Dear Tommy,

I need a bed. Yes, when I moved back to New York I realized that I needed an entirely new slumber set. In my frustration negotiating prices and haggling over crazy delivery charges, I decided to buy one online. I spent countless hours searching until I found the perfect match. But just as I was ready to punch the "buy" button a friend of mine called. He immediately intervened when I told him about the new commitment I was about to make. He reminded me of a recent incident when he fell in love with the perfect set of chairs online only to find out they were garbage even Kmart would be ashamed to buy. He suggested I go lay on my mattress and see if I really liked it before shelling out my life savings.

I'm not suggesting you go lay with you new cyber-beau on the first run to test him out, but I do recommend you get to know him as a person before you put your life in his hands. Sure he says he's "clean" but my friend's furniture store also said his chairs were premium. HIV is nothing to play with. Condoms are a must! Take control of your own health and safety.

I'm always weary of anyone that asks not to use a condom on the first run (or the second, or third, or...). If he's asked you, chances are he's asked others- and, trust me- there were probably many guys who said yes. A ton of guys have also fallen into the "but he loves me" trap only to end up alone taking a cocktail of meds. Why not suggest you both get tested together before having sex? You'll know if he's genuine by his response. And even after the results come back, suggest you use condoms for at least another 6 weeks (remember, a test today doesn't cover 3 to 6 weeks of exposure).

One last note at the risk of sounding like gay mom... Are you sure you want to go meet this guy on his turf after knowing him for only a short time? I'm not negating your feelings for him, but I've been in love with many guys I've only known for five months. Now that I've aged a bit, I couldn't even tell you their names.

Think of your safety. Why not meet in a neutral location? Your new guy may have the best intentions, but once again take your safety and welfare into your own hands. Just recently there was a gay kid here in New York City attacked and killed by guys who lured him online. I don't want you to be the next person I read about. If you do decide to travel, make sure you leave a trail and follow these safe online dating tips. Love is more than a word; it's most sincerely displayed through actions. You owe him nothing just because he bought you a ticket. Wrap it up! You're worth more than a cyber saver fare. And just like my mattress, once HIV is delivered, you can't get your money back.

Yours in love,
Mona

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John Amaechi

John Amaechi is the first NBA player to come out of the closet. The announcement was made on February 7, 2006 just before the release of his autobiography Man in the Middle.

The former center from Britain played for Penn State then went on to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers in 1995-96. After some time in Europe, Amaechi joined the Orlando Magic from 1999-01, and then the Utah Jazz.

In his later NBA years, John Amaechi was traded several times, ending up with the Knicks. He retired in January of 2004 after being waived. Read More

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George Michael

About George Michael:

Born June 25, 1963 in North London. George Michael's birth name is Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou.

George Michael in Wham!:

George Michael met Andrew Ridgeley at a comprehensive school near North London. In 1981, they formed a band called The Executive. They later broke from the band to form the famous duo, Wham!. Wham! is best known for their first top ten hit single, "Young Guns (Go For It!)." Read More

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Relationships Take Time

Patience is one of the hardest things to learn in life, especially while building relationships. It's known that gay relationships mature at an accelerated rate, often much faster than relationships between straight couples. Nonetheless, one thing heteros and homos have in common is the time it takes to find the right mate.

If you've fallen head over heels for a guy you had a date with, met online or in any other situation, just be patient! Take your time getting to know him. Be sure not to panic if he doesn't call you on a daily basis or if you two aren't picking out china patterns after a week of romance. If you guys hit it off, chances are he's into you as much as you are into him, but any potential relationship will be much better off if you take it slow and get to know him. First impressions are great, but you can only get to know a person well after spending time with them. Who knows, he may turn out not to be the person you thought he was. On the other hand, he might just be the man of your dreams. Only time will tell!

More Gay Love & Relationship Advice:

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Are you versatile?

Definition:

A versatile gay man enjoys a shared dominance in gay relationships. They are comfortable being the dominant partner, passive partner or both.

During sex, versatile men enjoy being either a top or bottom.

Gay Sex:

More gay words!

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Benefits of Civil Unions

As the debate over legal recognition of gay and lesbian couples heightens, individual states in the U.S. are considering different types of protection for gay and lesbian couples under the law. They are civil unions, domestic partnerships and same-sex marriage.

In most cases, civil unions and domestic partnership laws only offer a fraction of the 1,049 benefits the United States government provides for couples in a heterosexual marriage.

Currently in the U.S., only Connecticut and Vermont allow same-sex civil unions. (See where gay marriage or civil unions are legal around the world).

As stated before, civil union benefits vary per state. Here is a list of benefits awarded same-sex partners in Vermont: Laws relating to title, tenure, descent and distribution, intestate succession, waiver of will, survivorship, or other incidents of the acquisition, ownership, or transfer (during life or at death) of real or personal property, including eligibility to hold property as tenants by the entirety.Causes of action related to or dependent upon spousal status, including an action for wrongful death, emotional distress, loss of consortium, dramshop, or other torts or actions under contracts reciting, related to, or dependent upon spousal status.Probate law and procedure, including nonprobate transfer.Adoption law and procedure.Group insurance for state employees.Spouse abuse programs.Protection against discrimination based upon marital status.Victim's compensation rights.Workers' compensation benefits.Emergency and non-emergency medical care and treatment, hospital visitation and notification.Terminal care documents and durable power of attorney for health care execution and revocation.Family leave benefits.State public assistance benefits(Vermont).State and municipal tax laws, except for estate tax provisions.Marital privilege and testimonial immunity laws.The homestead rights of a surviving spouse and homestead property tax allowance.Loans to veterans The definition of family farmerMaking, revoking, and objecting to anatomical gifts by others.State pay for military service.Applications for absentee ballots.Family landowner rights to fish and hunt.Legal requirements for wage assignments.Affirmance of relationship.Parties to a civil union can modify the terms, conditions, or effects of their legal relationship in the same manner and to the same extent as married people can through premarital and other agreements recognized and enforceable under the Vermont law.Things not working out? Learn how to dissolve a civil union.

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Signs of Being Gay

Dear Mona,

My male friend is artsy, bookish and "alternative." He also wears a silver ring on his right hand ring finger. Is this a universal sign he is gay?

Dear Curious Cohort,

These days, the description of the quintessential homo has changed to ambiguous at best. We've become so accustomed to seeing Jack from Will & Grace as the standard gay man, that we forget all about his opposite, Will. Damaging stereotypes and generalizations of queers from the olden days still linger on today.

We gay people are a diverse and broad group of individuals, who come in all shapes and sizes and personalities and dress. When many people think about gay men, they automatically associate them with certain stereotypes and generalizations, such as feminine behavior or a certain type of clothing. You should know, however, that for every gay man that fits that mold, there is another that does not.

Some feel it appropriate to go on these "gay witch hunts" in an attempt to figure out any man that dares wear a pink button down to the company picnic. Should any person be reduced to such superficial characteristics? The lines of gay/straight are forever blurred now that straight men are starting to care about their looks. Walk past any salon and you'll not only see men in the manicure seat, but you'll notice a full line of services for men. Haven't you also noticed the onslaught of male fashion mags and billboards? These things aren't marketed towards an exclusive group of gay men. Companies are seeking the growing number of men (straight or gay) that prefer a close shave over a smelly "me-a-man" bum. Straight men are now wearing the latest hair styles, high end threads and jewelry. My straight cousin spends more time in the mall than I do!

Now back to your friend's finger ring. Nowadays, when a person wears a ring on their right hand ring finger, it means that he wants to dress up his appearance a bit and that's the only place his favorite ring fits. Besides, his only other alternative may have been the left hand ring finger, which (as you know) is reserved for the wedding band.

Many decades ago, some gay men would use left and right side signals to indicate their sexuality or preferences in bed. This was back in the days surrounding Stonewall when being gay meant an instant beat down or arrest. We had few choices but to use Bat Signals to find each other. These indicators, though no longer used today, lived on and spread outside of the gay community. They eventually developed into perhaps one of the silliest stereotypes about gay men. Every man was terrified that if they got their ear pierced on the wrong side they would be tagged a homo.

Thankfully, times have changed and being gay has become less taboo. Those indication of sexuality have gone south as well. Right, left hand rings; tight, loose pants; tall or short frame- there is no universal sign a person is gay. If your friend's sexuality baffles you, then the best way to tell if he is gay is to ask him.

Yours in gayness,
Mona

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Sex Frequency

Two, three, four times a week? How many times does the average couple have sex? I consulted with sexuality expert Cory Silverberg at About.com: Sexuality. What I found might surprise you.

It's not unusual to equate the health of a relationship with the frequency of sex. When relationships settle in, the frequency of sex can decrease, leaving rise to increasing insecurities.

But in truth, majority of men and women who are living together have sex 8 to 12 times per month. Do the math. That's only 2 to 3 times a week! So, you're not alone in what seems like a stalled run.

Increasing Your Sexual Frequency
Life happens and there could be a number of reason why your romping marks score below average. Work stress, relationship strain, personal issues, amongst other things can lessen the libido or simply reduce time for intimacy. But, there are ways you can rev things up in the bedroom. And while you're at it, take a few moments to fine tune your sexual compatibility. After all, better chemistry leads to better sex.

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Families and Kids

Jennifer Chrisler, Executive Director of Family Pride, an organization that advocates for LGBT family equality, talks about LGBT-headed family inclusion: "We might look different and come in different forms but we all share a commitment to our children that transcends our differences." Chrisler continues, "American families are increasingly diverse and all of us benefit from treating one another with respect and understanding. Our children deserve no less."

Organizations like Family Pride are increasingly important as more LGBT couples consider becoming parents through adoption or surrogacy.

Celebrate with these pics of LGBT-headed families!

Submit Your Family Pics:
Here's how to submit your family pics to Gay Life.

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The Kinsey Scale

In the late 1940's and early 1950's a sex researcher by the name of Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues published two books called Sexual Behavior in the Human Male and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female based on the study of human sexuality. These works are also known as the "Kinsey Reports."

One of Dr. Kinsey's most well known theories is the "Heterosexual/ Homosexual Rating Scale," which rates a person's homosexuality or heterosexuality on a 7-point continuum.

Keep in mind, however, that it is normal for a heterosexual person to have thoughts, dreams or even fantasies about members of the same sex as it is for homosexuals to have thoughts about heterosexuals. Thus, your "score" may not be a perfect 6 or 0.

How are gay are you?

0- Exclusively heterosexual

1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual

4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6- Exclusively homosexual

Join the Discussion!

Closeted or the Kinsey Theory?

"My twin brother has talked to me about being bisexual but has never acted on his fantasies or inclinations... 10 years ago, I would have said he was closeted, but now I'm more inclined to accept the Kinsey theory of human sexuality..." -RADSUT

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Wilson Cruz

Wilson Cruz, a Brooklyn native, was born December 27, 1973. Cruz began acting at age 17, but is best known for his roles as Enrique "Rickie" Vasquez in the TV series My So-Called Life and Angel in the 1998 Broadway cast of Rent.

Cruz's other acting credits include, Great Scott!, "Sister, Sister", ER, Ally McBeal, and Noah's Arc and the 2007 film Ode... Read More

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Are You Suicidal?

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey. A 2009 study, "Family Rejection as a Predictor of Negative Health Outcomes" led by Dr. Caitlin Ryan and conducted as part of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, shows that adolescence who were rejected by their families for being LGBT were 8.4 times more likely to report having attempted suicide. And for every completed suicide by a young person, it is estimated that 100 to 200 attempts are made (2003 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey).

In Always My Child: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning Son or Daughter, author Kevin Jennings associates this statistic with the stressors gay youth face, such as: Increasing awareness of same sex attraction.
Disclosure of sexual orientation to family and friends.
Victimization provoked by their sexual orientation (verbal abuse, threats of physical violence, etc.).

Help Prevent LGBT Suicide:

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Tips for Gay Men in College

Are you gay and out in college? Or, are you planning on coming out in college? College is much less insular than high school campuses can be. It's a great time to explore your interests and your sexuality.

I didn't come out until I went to college. Here are the things I would've done differently and suggestions on how you can better your college experience as a gay man:

Dorms and Residence Halls
Living in a residence hall as a freshman was the first time I ever lived on my own. It was overwhelming at first, but I was excited to get away from home. I knew I was attracted to guys; but I was way too scared to explore my feelings so I stayed in the closet for a while. I was also somewhat distant from my co-ed hall mates. I feared my secret might ruin my new friendships. What I would have done differently: Looking back on the situation, most of the guys and girls around me were also excited about being away from home and exploring their own interests. Months later, when I did come out, I found that most of them didn't care at all. I wasted great bonding time and denied myself some wonderful experiences by not being myself. Of course, you should only come out when you are ready (and I wasn't at the time), but try not to make assumptions about your new suite or hall mates. They are looking to find themselves in their own ways. You are entitled to the same. Finding Gay Friends
After months of thinking I was the only one, I ran across a guy in one of my classes that I had a feeling was gay. Tired of having no one to talk with about my sexuality, I did everything I could to befriend him. I joined his math group. I asked if he wanted to study together. I made random comments about lecture. We eventually became good friends and came out to each other. What I would have done differently: I invested a lot of time trying to figure out if one guy was gay, as if he was my only option. And while it paid off and I had a new gay friend, looking back I would've explored more. There were many gay and gay-friendly groups on campus that I could have joined to meet other gay people. I could have also reached out and befriended more of my dorm friends. I later found out that they knew other gay people and could've made a connection. When looking for gay friends on campus, don't put all of your hopes on one person. Explore and be proactive about your search. Dating
I longed for a boyfriend, especially after I started meeting gay friends. I would chat with guys online, but either couldn't get up the nerve to meet them or I just didn't think they were a good fit. I didn't give up my search, though. I knew eventually I would make a connection with a guy I liked. But when I did meet my first boyfriend, it was in the most unlikely of places–a club I joined. It wasn't a gay club, but there were gay guys in it. Me and a few of the guys eventually became friends since we spent so much time together at club meetings. One of the guys and I became especially close. He was my first boyfriend and my first love. What I would have done differently: Prior to meeting my first boyfriend, I became more and more eager to find a man. It would have been best if I let the situation happen instead of letting my desperation drive my actions. Usually, the best dating situations happen in the most unlikely of circumstances. When I stopped seeking, I found a great guy. Just like making gay friends, it's best to get out there and explore social or academic options on campus. You and another great single guy will eventually find each other. Another lesson I learned was taking a more active role in my safety, which brings me to the next topic. Online Hook Ups and Campus Safety
Meeting someone online is a cool way to get to know them–initially. I would chat with guys online during study breaks and off time. I developed an entire network of online buddies. But, after some time I wanted to meet them face-to-face. No online dating questionnaire or number of chat hours can replace an in-person chemistry check. What I would have done differently: There were many times when I would meet up with online guys only to discover that we didn't quite connect in person. Also, I didn't take my safety into account enough times. Unfortunately, not everyone online is on the up and up. You should always follow these safety tips before meeting an online buddy in person. Also, if you have a suite mate or close buddy, give them your schedule and keep them up on where you are traveling around campus (especially at night). It's always better to side with safety. Sex
Some people choose to explore same gender sexual experiences while in college. A first same-sex experience can either be a wowing confirmation of your emotional attractions or not at all what you expect (or a little bit of both). Suggestions: Take your time when exploring your the physical aspects of your sexuality. There is no rush, nor does a prize go to the quickest explorer. It's best to be selective about who you experience with. Know the person, get proof of their HIV status, practice safer sex, and always keep your safety in mind.

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Start Picking Up Men

Stop letting your appearance be an excuse to hide.
Have you ever seen a super-hot guy wander off with someone you wouldn’t give the time of day? That’s because the art of seduction has a lot more to do with social skills than with naked physical attraction. It’s not 30 pounds you need to lose to pick up more men—it’s your inner fears.
Approach a lot of guys.
To get started in the pick-up game, you need to go where gay men are and learn to approach them. And not just one or two guys, but many guys. If you can’t strike up a conversation, you don’t have a chance to pick up and eventually seduce someone you’re attracted to.
Don’t hesitate.
Nothing conveys indecision and nervousness like hesitation. Indecision and nervousness are not attractive traits. So practice the three-second rule: train yourself to approach your target within three seconds of seeing him.
Learn some approaches.
An approach is an excuse— any excuse— to start a conversation with someone: “How do I get to Hyatt Hotel?” “There’s some lint on your collar.” “I noticed something about you…” The easiest of all approaches is simply to smile and say “hi.” Forget pick up lines like “I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.”— they’re phony, convey too much sexual interest, and leave you no place to take the conversation.
Have a opener.
Once you've exchanged a few words develop openers or standard conversational ploys that will attract your target. Try something startling: “That wasn’t your car on fire in the parking lot, was it?” “Did you see those two guys fighting outside?” Or get an opinion: “Hey, can I ask you a question? What’s the best way to get revenge on an ex? This guy I know…” Develop your opener into a little routine by adding vivid details (“One fireman was so hunky that…”) Get your target involved and keep him engaged until he gives signs of starting to relax. Sometimes it helps to give the opener a time constraint so that he thinks you’ll shortly be on your way (“I’ve got to go find my friend, but…)
Learn disinterested interest.
keep him off balance when he suspects you’re trying to pick him up. This allows time for his attraction to develop. Keep talking in a friendly way while pretending you’re not really that interested sexually.
Don’t compliment- neg.
Since compliments (“I love your smile!”) give away your attraction, throw them in the dust bin with the pick-up lines. Instead, learn to neg. Negging is the art of giving a half-compliment, setting up a dissonance in your pick-up target. Examples: “I love your smile— are you wearing braces?” “That’s a nice shirt— did you get it at the outlet mall?” “I’ve never seen hair like that before.” The neg should always sound friendly and positive and only subliminally be insulting. Negsexcite your subject by sending contradictory signals spinning in his brain and creating excitement he will be intrigued to resolve.
Demonstrate your social value.
When you meet a guy, don’t stop talking- just stop talking aimlessly. Learn to be funny and entertaining and cast yourself in a positive light in the stories you tell. Tell him about the time you went camping and scared away the bear, or how great your new gym routine is making you feel. Talk about ex-boyfriends or hang a “friend” around your shoulder to demonstrate that others think you’re attractive. In other words, give him enough ammunition to justify an attracted toward you. Once an attraction develops, you’ll see the signals in his eyes and body language.
Touch.
Without touching there is no sex. To get the ball rolling, touch early and often. Make sure your touches are sensual and motivating, not crude sexual pawing. Examine his cool wristwatch. Flatten his mussed-up collar. Slap away his too-familiar fingers. Read his palm. Test his kiss-ability quotient. Your fleeting touches will leave him begging for more.
Isolate, move, develop rapport.
At some point in the evening, he may end up in your bedroom. You can accelerate the process by leading him to a neutral location away from his friends. Continue developing rapport and sexual interest. Invite him to a quiet corner of the bar, outside for a breath of air or to a nearby pizza place. Then invite him back to your place.
Make him a sexual co-conspirator.
It takes two to tango. Back at your pad, ask him to pick out some soft music, or turn down the lights, or massage your back. Let him be your partner in setting up the sex scene. You might both be surprised by what develops naturally. Make him feel at ease and develop things naturally.
stingwood is the founder of guytrap.com and a Gay Life contributor.

Intrigued about the art of seduction as a learnable skill?
For a gay perspective on the art of the gay pick-up, visit guytrap.com, a free discussion forum where you can ask questions and share ideas on the art of seduction with like-minded gay men.

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Removing Body Hair

Dear Gay Man,

Do all gay men shave their body hair? Should I keep some hair? Where should it be?

Dear Hairy Mess,

As with most things gay, body hair is a matter of style, preference, and function. Trends flop between a smooth body and a furry buddy depending on what circles you ask.

There are perks to both. A smooth body has its function. Not only can you swim a faster lap, but pesky body odor is kept to a minimum. Still, some guys like a more natural look and a softer patch to keep them insulated even in the heat. I prefer a guy who's struck a deal with nature to tame the wild: a trimmed pit balanced with a shaped brow and a surprise path of natural here and there. So, I ask: What look are you going for and what type of man are you trying to attract?

Women have been grooming for years, but gay and straight men alike have caught up to the idea in recent years. Today, men are more comfortable expressing their individuality with their bodies. Not to mention one of the fastest growing demos in the grooming and cosmetics industries are men. By and large, grooming body hair, or 'scaping, can mean a light trim, a lined pattern, or complete removal. Some gay men form bikini wax patterns, while others simply trim abnormally long hairs. To each his gay own.

Getting rid of unwanted hair
There are many ways to groom body hair. Each person's hair growth and skin sensitivity is different, so it may take some trial and error to determine the best method.

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Jonathan Adler

Jonathan Alder was born in 1966 in a small farm town in New Jersey. Alder started making pottery at age 12 and has been designing ever since.

Jonathan Adler's pottery entered design-forward homes after his collection was picked up by Barney's in 1994. He now has over seven retail outlets from East Hamptom to Los Angeles.

In November 2005, Jonathan launched his first book My Prescription for Anti-Depressive Living and in 2007 made his first appearance as a lead judge on the hit Bravo series Top Design.

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Nature vs. Nurture

What is the nature concept?
In relation to homosexuality, the nature concept explores the possibility of a specific gene or combination of genes present at the time of birth that genetically predispose people to homosexuality. In other words, some people are born gay.

What if people are born gay?
Gay advocates say proving there is a gay gene will provide "wider social acceptance and better protection against discrimination," as Neil Swidey writes in his article, "What Makes People Gay?" Proving that being gay is not a choice means that discrimination against gays becomes a matter of civil rights.

Opinions:

"You can't 'make' someone gay no more than you can 'make' someone straight. Of course environmental factors affect our sexuality. You just can't generalize these types of things. Ultimately what you end up doing is trying to figure out how to stop it-- like it's a disease or something--instead of trying to help people ACCEPT themselves for who they are and help nurture them into healthy relationships." (read more)

...continued

What is the nurture concept?
We're all influenced by our environment, but to what extent? The nurture concept of homosexuality argues that social, parental and environmental variables influence a person's homosexuality. A nurtured gay person is one that is "made" gay.

What if people are made gay?
For some time, the notion of an overbearing mother or an absent father or even sexual abuse were thought to be catalyst of future gay people. If the root of homosexuality does not lie within DNA, then the nurture concept implies people have a choice whether to be gay or not be gay. Many ex-gay reparative therapy groups believe that homosexuality can be reversed or "repaired". Some religious organizations also believe that the concept of Adam and Eve (or one man, one woman), provides an absolute explanation that homosexuality is unnatural.

Opinions:

"Might any of these factors (in the life of someone male) contribute towards giving him a gay disposition, or at least make him more inclined to seek the love of men? An alcoholic parent, mother or father; A cold parent, mother or father; Having been in a boys boarding school since about 12/13." (read more)

Can the origin of same gender loving feelings be absolute? Does it lay within the complexities of the beginning of man or the development of society?

If homosexuality is indeed a product of a special genome (I dare not say a flawed one), then will that lead to predetermination by expecting parents at the time the baby's sex is revealed? I envision some parents being excited to hear the sexual makeup of their fetus while others seek to "repair" the gay gene. Lawmakers would be obligated to protect gay people, just as any other group of individuals with a predetermined genetic makeup. The religious implications would be widespread and increase the growing list of religious organizations that welcome gay members.

The concept of a homemade gay person cannot be ignored either. Is there a consistent pattern between a person's parental or environmental influences and their sexuality? Does the explanation of homosexuality lie within Paul Ewald's theory that homosexuality is a virus or the reparative therapy model that a traumatic life situation planted the seed of choice? Some debate that homosexuality is not deserving of natural rights since it has not been proven that being gay is indeed the same as any other born characteristic.

Or, is it possible that being gay is a combination of both nature and nurture? Imagine a person that is born gay, but their same gender feelings are either perpetuated or (not perpetuated) by their environment. If this were indeed the case, homosexuality would only be an issue of if or when one comes out of the closet.

Either scenario, researchers will continue to hunt for the origin of homosexuality. Many avenues have been explored, from isolating DNA to observing gay animals, but as of yet, no one absolute explanation of homosexuality has been found. And even if it were, would society accept it?

Continue reading: Why is there a search for the origin of homosexuality?

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Sean Hayes

Actor Sean Patrick Hayes (born June 26, 1970 in Chicago, Illinois) is best known for his Emmy-winning role as Jack McFarland in the NBC sitcom Will & Grace. The role also earned him four SAG awards, an American Comedy Award, and six Golden Globes nominations.

Hayes attended Illinois State University, where he studied piano performance and conducting. He left before graduating and in 1995 moved to Los Angeles to begin his stand-up and acting career. Hayes made his film debut in 1998's Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss and was soon cast as an unemployed actor in the hit series Will & Grace.

In 2008, Hayes made his New York stage debut as Mr. Applegate/Devil in New York City Center's production of Damn Yankees and will star in the 2010 Broadway revival of Promises, Promises.

Sean Hayes Comes Out
Sean Hayes revealed he was gay in a March, 2010 interview for The Advocate. "I feel like I’ve contributed monumentally to the success of the gay movement in America," Hayes said. "And if anyone wants to argue that, I’m open to it. You’re welcome, Advocate!"

Gay Actors "Playing Straight"
Can gay actors play straight? In a 2010 critical essay, Hayes was singled out by Newsweek associate editor Ramin Setoodeh as an example of why gay actors fail at playing straight characters. Setoodeh, an openly gay man himself, wrote that Hayes is best known as the queeny Jack on (NBC sitcom) 'Will & Grace,' and that his "sexual orientation" is "part of who he is" and seeing him "play straight" in the Broadway production is "weird" because he "comes off as wooden and insincere, like he's trying to hide something, which of course he is."

Promises co-star Kristin Chenoweth quickly came to Hayes defense, calling Setoodeh's opine homophobic.

Hayes Hosts The Tony's
Not only did he host the 2010 Tony Awards, but Sean Hayes was nominated for best actor in a musical for his role in "Promises, Promises" alongside Kristin Chenoweth.

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Ex-Gay Reparative Therapy

Remember the late 90's film But I'm a Cheerleader about a young girl sent to an ex-gay camp by her parents who suspected she was a lesbian? I was somewhat in disbelief that camps that attempted to "repair" gay and lesbian people actually existed. My skepticism was mostly due to the comic and satirical nature of the film, but then came Latter Days, a film about a Mormon missionary who is coming to terms with his sexuality. After being outed and removed from the church for kissing a boy, his parents send him to an ex-gay institution. What followed was a graphic portrayal of the techniques used by these camps to reverse his homosexuality.

Ex-Gay Reparative Therapy Is No Fiction

The existence of ex-gay or "reparative therapy" ministries are beyond fictional tales, however. In reality, the ex-gay movement has been in existence since the 1970's, attempting to "cure" homosexuality through religion. These claims have been met with much resistance from gay advocacy groups and mental health organizations over the unsubstantiated claims that homosexuality can be cured through therapy and the potential harm that such therapies have on the mental health of young LGBT people, including increased instances of depression and suicide.

The APA Says No To Ex-Gay Therapy

On Wednesday, August 5th, the American Psychological Association published a comprehensive report reputing the effectiveness of ex-gay (or reparative therapy) ministries. The governing body of the mental health organization examined 83 studies on sexual orientation dating back to 1960 and found no substantial evidence that homosexuality can be cured through therapy or any other means as many ex-gay ministries claim. The report urged mental health professionals not to advise clients that they can become straight through therapy or other treatments.

Teens and Young Adults In Ex-Gay Camps

Ex-gay facilities, also referred to as camps, continue to be filled with teens and young adults given to the care (a term used in irony) of reparative therapy organizations like Exodus International that promise parents and clients lives without homosexuality. Their promises of reversal therapy are based on what they claim as success stories or graduates that live in heterosexual situations, which are just that—situations—as no substantial proof that homosexuality can be cured has been found. Many claimed "repaired" clients live in heterosexual situations, but also in abstinence. "Fear, often in combination with financial dependence, continues to play a major role in the decisions of some young gay men to enter into ex-gay programs," EDGE Boston reporter Joseph Erbentraut writes.

History of Ex-gay (Or Reparative Therapy) Ministries

Ex-gay ministries started in the early 1970's with a group called Love in Action, under the principle that through prayer gay people could be "cured" of their same-gender feelings and converted to heterosexuality. Shortly after, the co-founder of Love in Action, Rev. Kent Philpott, wrote the landmark book The Third Sex?, which described the conversion process of six gay people to heterosexuality.

Attention surrounding The Third Sex? resulting in the first ex-gay conference, of which the largest ex-gay ministry, Exodus International was created. The ex-gay movement grew with the creation of several ex-gay organizations that all believe homosexuality can be repaired.

The ex-gay movement has been met with fierce challenges by gay rights organizations and mental health advisory boards like the American Psychological Association over unsubstantiated claims that homosexuality can actually be cured and the methodology used on teens and young adults.

Instead of reversing or "healing" sexuality, gay rights organizations argue that ex-gay ministries merely provide clients with techniques to suppress their feelings. Claims that reparative therapy is based more on rhetoric and homophobia than curing through religion was substantiated by a highly exposed scandal surrounding John Paulk from Exodus and Colin Cook from Homosexuals Anonymous. Both national ex-gay camp leaders were caught engaging in same-sex encounters after claiming they themselves had been cured.

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I Love My Best Friend

Dear Mona,

I am bisexual. I used to believe I was straight, but I met this guy last year and I fell in love with him. We quickly became best friends. The problem is, I developed feelings for him as more than a friend. If fact, I obsess over him day and night. He doesn't know I have feelings for him, though I think he suspects I'm gay.

I need to know if theirs a way to get a straight guy to become attracted to another guy. I spoke with another bisexual individual online and he told me that I should watch bisexual adult movies with him and then make a move or ask if he wants to try it.

My main fear is that if I make a move and he doesn't want to he will end up hating me, and I'll end up losing my best friend. I'd probably be forced to suicide if that happens. Is their anything I could do?

Dear Platonic Paul,

It's not uncommon for a friend to fall for his best buddy. It happens quite often in girl-guy friendships and the gay or bi guy-guy friendships. Sometimes it just can't be helped. Best Judy connections are deep, intense and often resemble romantic relationships.

I hate to be the mouth of bad news, but there is no way to "turn" a straight guy gay (more), but it is possible that he may actually be gay or bi as you suspect.

If your friendship trumps a possible relationship, I'd suggest you go more PG-17 than X-rated. I wouldn't set him up by trying to play off of his sex drive. You don't want to make skin-to-skin contact just to find out he is merely curious or was so in the mood he couldn't pass up the opportunity. Plus, the possible benefits don't outweigh a possible punch in the face.

Keep it more Oprah than Jerry Springer by respecting him (and yourself). Have an adult conversation about how you feel. Butter him up with one of those special best friend nights that you guys share, then spill the beans. Give him an opportunity to express his feelings, but be prepared for the worst. He may have feelings for you. He may not. He may also be bi but not ready to come out or he may be bi and just not into you that way. There are an infinite number of scenarios that only he can clear up.

But, who would Mona be if she didn't spread a little hope? Know that there is always a possibility that things will play out in your favor. However, I must manage expectations and be Debbie Downer for a moment. Keep another confidant on speed dial just in case he gives you the old "I love you, man; just not in that way." You'll need a shoulder to lean on.

This talk of yours will take a lot of courage, but it will help you get some sort of closure. Either way, I have a feeling you're strong enough to get through this. If you have any sort of depression or suicidal feelings, please call The Trevor Project hotline. They help many people in similar situations that have suicidal feelings. I know you don't want to lose your best friend; just know that we don't want to lose you either.

Yours in Love,
Mona

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