Coming Out Step-by-Step

Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality (see Kinsey Scale) and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ.

Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving you? Will you ever get married or have children? Will you be discriminated against or made fun of? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is why many reference coming out as being reborn. This is an opportunity for you to look introspectively and re-evaluate who you are and who you want to be.

Next step below...

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Gay Wedding Planner

It takes just as much time to plan a commitment ceremony as it does a wedding, but for gay and lesbian couples there are a few important details to consider. Below is a guide to planning gay and lesbian commitment ceremonies, including a stage-by-stage calendar.

How To Plan a Commitment Ceremony

Time Needed:

A typical commitment ceremony can take between 10-12 months to plan.

Commitment Ceremony Calendar

Follow the commitment ceremony calendar for a stage-by-stage timeline and guide to the essentials of a successful commitment ceremony.

10-12 Months Before
6-10 Months Before
4-6 Months Before
2-4 Months Before
2-8 Weeks Before
1-2 Weeks Before
1 Day Before
Ceremony Day

Things to Consider:
Type of Ceremony

Depending on the state and country of residence, gay couples may have the option of planning a full marriage, civil union, domestic partnership, or commitment ceremony. You may also want to decide if you and your partner desire a religious or non-religious ceremony.

Itinerary

A typical ceremony and reception will take at least 5 hours, not including pictures taken in between the ceremony and reception. Take ample time to discuss your ceremony plans with your partner. Keep a notebook for important information and develop an itinerary of the ceremony day. Share this itinerary with the reception hall, DJ or band, officiate, venue and other people key to the success of the ceremony.

Budget

Take time to carefully plan the budget for your ceremony. Take into account the number of guests, the venue, entertainment, photography, rings, tuxedo rentals, etc. An easy way to plan a commitment ceremony budget is to allot a certain amount for each major area of the ceremony. Here is a simple break down: 50% Reception10% Flowers10% Music10% Photography10% Tuxedo or Dress Rental5% Invitations5% Miscellaneous
Wedding Vows

Individually write your vows. Vows can be as personal or standard depending on your preference.

Location & Venue

Of course, the location of your ceremony should be a special place for both you and your partner; however, consider choosing a central location for all of your guests. Also, make sure the venue of choice is gay-friendly. Call ahead to make sure the venue you choose is comfortable hosting a same-sex ceremony. In addition, make sure you are comfortable in the venue of choice. Gay Friendly Inns is a great place to start. Some couples also choose to have their ceremony performed at gay pride. Often there will be officiants on hand to perform group commitment ceremonies. View the gay pride calendar.

Find a Church

Call a gay-friendly church and ask if they are willing to perform a gay commitment ceremonies. If they refuse, don't get discouraged. There are many others that will..

Number of Guests

Some couples choose to have small intimate ceremonies, while others have large events. Invite the number of guests that make you and your partner comfortable. Remember that the cost of the ceremony can rise depending on how many guests you invite.

Invitations

You can purchase wedding invitations at your local stationary store or online. Choose invitations to your taste. If money is a concern, try a little creativity and create your own special cards or host an announcement shower at a friend's place.

Reception Halls & Caterers

Decide if you'd like a reception at a private home, a public hall or non at all. If considering a public venue, call the reception hall and book it at least 10-12 months in advance. Be prepared to tell the event planner your desired booking date and time, how many guests you are expecting and what cuisine you'd like served (if they cater as well). Some places offer full packages (ceremony venue, reception, caterer, music and photographer).

DJ/Band and Photographer

The DJ can sometimes be a sore spot when it comes to wedding and commitment ceremonies. Choose a DJ with experience. Select a play list that tailors to both your tastes and the palate of your guests. Decide on a photographer with experience and be clear about what you expect. It helps to choose a DJ and photographer that is comfortable in a gay atmosphere. Word of mouth recommendations are always best.

Limousine Services

Think about how you will arrive at the ceremony and to the reception. Check your local listings for a limousine company or for the cost conscious, solicit a friend with a really nice car to chauffeur you around for the day.

Other Things to Consider! >>>

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Kevin McDaid

Born:

March 7, 1984 in Nigeria
Raised in Newcastle, United Kingdom

Kevin McDaid and V:

In 2003, Kevin McDaid joined the British boy band V. The groups popularity increased in 2004 with the release of three hits. However, the group disbanded a year after their first single was released due to meager record sales. Gay Kevin McDaid:

McDaid announced his relationship with Westlife member Mark Feehily in the August 2005 edition of the The Sun newspaper.

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When Your Partner Won't Bottom

Dear Mona,

Sexually, I am the bottom in my relationship. My boyfriend refuses to top for me.

Even though he is only a year older, he has more sexual experience and has dated many more guys than I have. I feel as if he is not letting me experience new things. I've told him how I feel many of times and nothing has happened. Do you think I need more experience to be happy in this relationship? Should I be more aggressive or should I cheat on him to get what I want?

Dear Unplugged,

Your boyfriend's sexual history shouldn't be a reason to deny yourself pleasure. Experience in the bedroom doesn't always make someone a leading authority on anal versatility. I know of men that can put your boyfriend's scorecard to shame and still get complaints in the sack.

In gay relationships, we have the tendency to create dominant and passive roles. Sometimes, this happens naturally (as it should), but often dominance in the relationship is a result of one person's discomfort, lack of openness (no pun intended) or resistance to change. A true loving relationship is one of shared dominance. One may prefer a role, but is open to switching once in a while.

We gay men have the advantage of being both the plug and the socket, but many of us have created so many rules to the game that we miss out on tons of enjoyment. Some say they can only bottom for a big and burly sexual partner; others claim their partner's penis size dictates their role. Still some have the misperception that the recipient of anal sex is the weaker one. There are many, however, that approach anal sex strictly on the level of comfort and pleasure as it should be evaluated.

There should be no forced entry in a gay relationship. You shouldn't have to change who you are naturally to get what you want. There are reasons you may never discover as to why your guy won't drop 'em for you. If you've exhausted all opportunities and anal sex is a big enough issue to prompt you to look outside the relationship for sex, then maybe it's time to consider your options. Cheating is never the answer, but finding the right relationship is. You have every right to want to flip the script in the bedroom. A true loving partner would understand your needs and at least give it a try (or explain the reasons why they prefer not too).

Instead of spending the energy convincing him to take your lovin', attract the ideal man that is willing to share this part of you. The only catch is, this attraction has to start from within.

Get a piece of paper or journal and draw out your ideal man. List your dream man's qualities. Jot down as many detailed traits as you can. This is your private list so it can be as serious or silly as you want it to be. Then go after this ideal guy. Compare your present guy to this list. Don't focus on their lack, but notice how you've compromised. No person is perfect and the one you ultimately shag may not get a perfect score, but they should get darn close. Keep your list private and use it as your guide to happiness. Only you can determine which qualities you are willing to compromise on and which you are not.

Yours in love,
Mona

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Hate Crime Statistics

A coal fired power plant in Laramie, Wyoming, the town where hate crimes victim Matthew Shepard was kidnapped and brutally beaten in 1998.

© GettyThe following are the number of hate crimes motivated by sexual orientation bias as reported by the Federal Bureau of Investigation under The Hate Crimes Statistics Act of 1990:

2008: 1,617 ate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 58.6 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual bias.25.7 percent were reported as anti-homosexual bias.12.0 percent were prompted by an anti-female homosexual bias.2.0 percent were the result of an anti-heterosexual bias.1.7 percent were classified as anti-bisexual bias.2007: 1,460 hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 59.2 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual bias.24.8 percent were reported as anti-homosexual bias.12.6 percent were prompted by an anti-female homosexual bias.1.8 percent were the result of an anti-heterosexual bias.1.6 percent were classified as anti-bisexual bias.2006: 1,415 hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 62.3 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual biased.20.7 percent were classified as anti-homosexual biased.13.6 percent were classified as anti-female homosexual biased.2.0 percent were classified as anti-heterosexual biased.1.5 percent were classified as anti-bisexual biased.2005: 1,171 hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies. Of these offenses: 60.9 percent were anti-male homosexual.19.5 percent were anti-homosexual.15.4 percent were anti-female homosexual.2.0 percent were anti-heterosexual.2.3 percent were anti-bisexual.For more federal hate crime statistics, visit the FBI's Overview of Hate Crime Statistics.

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Chris Kanyon

Chris Kanyon (aka Christopher Klucsaritis, born January 4, 1970) was a WCW and WWF pro-wrestling superstar.

He made his WCW debut as part of the construction worker tag team "Men at Work" with Mark Starr. However, the partnership ended in 1997 and Kenyon began wrestling under the name "Mortis" and several other aliases. Kenyon dueled as a solo wrestler and as a part of teams before his contract was released in 2004. Kenyon alleged his career was ended by wrestling officials because he was gay.

Death
On April 2, 2010, Kanyon was found dead in his Sunnyside, Queens, New York apartment. Kenyon's death was ruled a suicide by overdose of medication.

"I last saw Chris at Wrestlemania in 2004. I may have seen him once since then. He looked good, but talked about packing it in, calling it a career. I never knew of his struggles; the bipolar disorder, the pressure of keeping his sexuality secret for so many years," pro-wrestler Mick Foley wrote on his MySpace.

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Gay Quotes

Hearing or seeing the word "gay" or "queer" in magazines, on TV or the radio was unheard of not too long ago. But now with gay rights in the spotlight and more gay celebrities taking the mic, you hear and see comments about glbtq people all the time.

Here's a list of some of the most notable gay quotes from famous people, politician, commentators and just everyday folks.

"Gay and lesbian people fall in love. We settle down. We commit our lives to one another. We raise our children. We protect them. We try to be good citizens."
California Sen. Sheila Kuehl, D-Santa Monica (after the California Senate approved gay marriage bill AB849)

"Not just hip-hop, but America just discriminates. And I wanna just, to come on TV and just tell my rappers, just tell my friends, `Yo, stop it.'"
Hip Hop Artist Kanye West (during an MTV special)

"We are not the first but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentleman, by two unstopable forces: freedom and equality"
Jose Luis Rodrigueaz, Prime Minister of Spain (in a speech given after Spain legalized gay marriage)

"The reluctance to osculate has to do with affection- the idea that we'll blow someone because we desire him, but kiss him because we like him."
Simon Sheppard, author of "Sex Parties 101," "Kinkorama," and "In Deep: Erotic Stories."

"I invented the spin."
Linda Carter (in an OUT Magazine interview)

"I think everybody in their career needs to play a lesbian once- even if you're a man!"
Kristin Chenoweth (in an OUT Magazine interview)

"The reason you're going to make a great fag is that most of you guys are just like dogs anyway. … You do whatever with whomever pleases you and don't seem to care about the consequences."
Author Terry McMillan (in an alleged letter to her gay husband)

"That was Lola with 'No Strings' or should I say the Gay.com theme song?"
DJ and Dance Music Guide, Ron Slomowicz (describing a song he played during a DJ set)

"Is a gay play a play that has sex with other plays?"
Harvey Fierstein

"Anytime I can support the gay community in whichever way I can, I want to really show up big."
Alanis Morissette (explaining why she changed the lyrics of "Ironic" to be more gay inclusive)

"There is a tendency in the gay community to become worse than straight people ever could be!"
Michael Lucas (in an HX interview about filming his gay adult movie Dangerous Liaisons)

Do you have a quote you'd like to add? Write me with the excerpt and source of your gay quote!

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